Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Memories...

Don did a post that got me thinking of loves gone by.

First, for the record, I am married to a Diamond Among Men and plan to be for the rest of my or his life.

But I wasn't always his wife. In another life I was single. I was a single college student and after a failed first marriage, I was a single adult woman. And I had a ball! As a matter of fact my current husband was my first boyfriend in college, but he was all intelligent and "right" and I was looking for Mr. Wrong and Ignorant. (We broke up and reconnected 12 years later. He said he always knew he'd marry me. )

But, I've been rethinking these relationships and my current marriage. What about me was attracted to these men and what about me was attractive to these men.

This train of thought, led me to my current and past friendships with other women. Many of them I loved (get your mind out the gutter Don) and do love, but somehow couldn't sustain our friendship.

I was going to break some of these down thinking it would help me get to the next level. But then I thought of this...

I am soooooo looking forward to turning 40 next year.

My twenties were so tumultuous. Quitting college, getting married, raising a stepdaughter, having her taken away from me, working three jobs, doing my own divorce, being homeless, was a trip!

My thirties have been a chance to get a grip on who I want to be in this life. I am moving deliberately toward a goal.

I hope to refine myself in the next decade.

So, recalling past loves gone by may send me into a funk. I could begin having feelings of guilt, shame, blame, etc. which could cause a setback. I'm leaving it all in the past but will deal truthfully with anyone from my past should they resurface.

My fond memories, I'm putting back into a quilted box, putting a velvet ribbon on them and placing them in the back on my mind's closet.

My bad memories, I'm writing in black ink on black paper and burning in my minds furnace. I'm letting them go. I'm letting them go. I'm letting them go. If I had known better, I'd have done better. If I had been stronger, I may have found myself in jail. So for what I went through and where I am now, I am thankful.

Step 2

4 comments:

Don said...

I feel you on this post. I feel the same way. I just don't really know how to express these feelings. it's like you said, I can now look back and shiver @ my wrong of the 20s. I can see where my mistakes of the Now (35 years old) can be compared against both the rights and wrongs, and hopefully leveled out in my 40s.

lol @ mind in the gutter.

You know what's funny? When I think of past loves, I hardly ever think about sexual stuff. I think about the little things. Isn't that crazy?

Your husband must have really wanted you. Good deal on the marriage.

Sister P said...

You know what's funny? When I think of past loves, I hardly ever think about sexual stuff. I think about the little things. Isn't that crazy?

No it's not crazy Don. Small gestures have big impact. I never was "physical" with my husband in college but the thing that makes me smile even as I type is the fact that my husband would bring me his car and park it under my dorm window each night in case I needed it and would walk a half mile back to the boarding house where he lived off campus. It was about 3-4 miles to get to town and there were no buses at night and he didn't have a phone if I needed him so he left me his car.

Note: I hope my husband doesn't read this. He hates how I "make him look" on my blog, LOL. I think he's sweet but I guess he wants to sound like he smacks me up to keep me in line :-)

Brother OMi said...

like i said, that book i finished reading "do me twice.." learned a whole lot:

"from all of your experiences you can learn to be better or be bitter. the only difference is I"

Sister P said...

Thanks Omi
Re: Do me twice...I rejected the book based on the title "my life after Islam". The life she describes is one I witnessed in Catholicism, Church of God in Christ, Islam and many other "religions". I know it's HER story but the title offended me. Like, "my life after being married to a Black man" WTF! On your recommendation I MIGHT check it out.

But thanks, I feel your spirit!