I am really hard on myself. I have been scrutinized by my parents my entire life and have a bit of an obsession with self analysis. This plays itself out in terrible ways.
1. It makes me a quitter. When I can't do something well, I have a tendency to not do it at all. My husband has been great at helping me push through that feeling of discomfort to complete the tasks I start.
2. I often don't see myself for who I really am. I am quite accomplished, but I focus on my weaknesses. Probably because my best was never good enough.
3. I became self conscious.
4. I am defensive when there is something I don't know.
5. I became an over achiever so no one could ever say there was something I couldn't do. But I often skipped what I wanted to do and did what I felt was most impressive. But that started to leave an empty feeling inside me.
Now that I have built the life of my dreams, I find myself unhappy because the people I've strived to impress are still not always impressed or question me in a way that feels like doubt. On the surface and deep down they are proud of some of my accomplishments but I just don't feel that I am loved without conditions.
I have to get past this feeling so I can quit looking for validation outside of myself.
Even as I close this post I find myself wanting to say, "but my parents love me", "my parents are great people". I want to excuse them. I know that they did the best they knew how to do. But I have to remember that this is about me and not them, their feelings or how anyone sees them.