Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Me

I am really hard on myself. I have been scrutinized by my parents my entire life and have a bit of an obsession with self analysis. This plays itself out in terrible ways.

1. It makes me a quitter. When I can't do something well, I have a tendency to not do it at all. My husband has been great at helping me push through that feeling of discomfort to complete the tasks I start.
2. I often don't see myself for who I really am. I am quite accomplished, but I focus on my weaknesses. Probably because my best was never good enough.
3. I became self conscious.
4. I am defensive when there is something I don't know.
5. I became an over achiever so no one could ever say there was something I couldn't do. But I often skipped what I wanted to do and did what I felt was most impressive. But that started to leave an empty feeling inside me.

Now that I have built the life of my dreams, I find myself unhappy because the people I've strived to impress are still not always impressed or question me in a way that feels like doubt. On the surface and deep down they are proud of some of my accomplishments but I just don't feel that I am loved without conditions.

I have to get past this feeling so I can quit looking for validation outside of myself.

Even as I close this post I find myself wanting to say, "but my parents love me", "my parents are great people". I want to excuse them. I know that they did the best they knew how to do. But I have to remember that this is about me and not them, their feelings or how anyone sees them.

Step 1

3 comments:

Smell Goods '98™ said...

Haven't visit in awhile. Glad I stopped by tonight and read this post. I too have struggled and sometimes still slightly struggle with the points you mentioned. For me, it has been my husband to help pull me out (over these 13 years of marriage). I am glad that I found the strength in myself to see the weaknesses and expressed them to him. I no longer feel the need to live up to anyone's expectations or should I say the expectations that I thought people had of me. I am no longer afraid of success. I will no longer be happy in the place of 'no matter how successful I am being, I will find the negative in it'. If I can accomplish it great, if I cannot, I am no longer taking myself so seriously about it, I AM NOT PERFECT!

I remember in my late 20's, I came to the conclusion that my parents were not perfect, and that no matter how much I know they love me, they have issues in their lives that should of been addressed, I decided not to take on their issues, my life is my life, and I did not want to continue the issues into my children's lives.

I am here for you on this personal journey-if you need me. I applaud you for recognizing it, saying it, and doing something about it.

Itiel

Sister P said...

Good to hear from you. Thanks for sharing Queen!

is that so? said...

I relate a lot on every point you listed. Sometimes I have to catch myself and force myself to literally list things I like about myself and life.

I enjoy your writing and will add you to my blogroll. I look forward to reading more of your thoughts.