Saturday, February 6, 2010
Learning to swim in deep water...
I have said for a while now that I can't fulfill this "obligation" without the help of my husband. I mentioned my anxiety to my husband, that the person who I committed to called again this week asking about this "obligation". He said, "So what...what's the problem?" He told me to just blow it off. But I knew it wouldn't go away that way. I'd have to come to some mutual understanding with the person so we could both feel satisfied and one person not walk away losing.
But my husbands answer made me furious and it hurt that he wouldn't "handle" this with/for me. So I stormed off...but then I began thinking...
When I don't want to do something, I look for an excuse not to. I was making my husbands non-participation my excuse. He doesn't have anything to do with my over commitment and procrastination. And these are the cause of the stress I'm feeling regarding this "obligation".
But where does my over commitment and procrastination come from? In this case, it has come from me not putting myself at the top of my list. I really have always put others needs, desires and whims ahead of what is in my own best interest. And it has gotten me to a bad place. A place I want to walk away from as it burns to the ground.
How do I turn this ship around though? Little by little, I have to do a few things:
1. Get organized. I should have a daily cleaning schedule, menu plan, work plan and lesson plan.
2. I have to prioritize.
3. Besides the 4 things I have in point #1, I have to work on only 2-3 things at a time, but only if time permits. I may have time to do only one thing sometimes.
4. I have to listen to myself and not be so quick to change my plans and not be so quick to ask the advice of others.
5. I especially have to not make peoples judgements or assesments of me into MY truth. I define me and my assisgnments come from Allah. I know His voice when I hear it and need to block out the rest! Just because someone has spoken "a word" from God to me in the past, does not mean that they are forever his spokesman!
6. I must stop "obligating" myself long-term for tasks I don't enjoy. We all do somethings that are not enjoyable, but I can't make that my norm.
This is how I'll learn to swim in the deep water, on my own...