Saturday, January 5, 2008

Reflections...

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately. Checking for New Year's resolutions and reflections.

I now realize I was doing it as a way of avoiding a real look at my own '07. It was HARD AS HELL.

My marriage survived a near walk out on my part. I communicate for a living but couldn't get my point across and made a mess of things in the process. I said waaaaaaay too much about some unimportant ish and said too little about the big stuff. But my husband is patient....

My business (and household) survived by the generosity of damn near everyone in our family. For the first time I felt that the "love" we've shown over the years was reciprocated without hesitation.

I went to a food bank for the first time (and last time) in my life.

I pawned something for the first and second time (and last time) in my life.

I was feeling so whacked out I tried to get therapy (which I've always believed to be BS) but the most highly recommended Black therapist in town wasted my $75 an hour by doing just what the hell I told her I hate. She tried to pitch me stories for my paper and she told me her son thinks "the lady who own the Black newspaper doesn't like me" and tried to convince me how great her 40 year old son is (who I think is a fake azz insecure yet arrogant re-tard[my apologies to the mentally challenged]).

I had to "lay-off" someone I adored who I believe was "using".

Everyone I really love (besides my husband and daughter) is 300 or more miles away.

I have forgiven a group of people who wronged me, but because I still don't trust them I am without a religious home and I'm mad about it. I used to feel bad that I couldn't trust them but they keep doing the same ish and I know it's not my fault but I'm suffering out here.

I now know that you only have one chance to make a first impression and I've blown SEVERAL. I have some instances where I didn't speak up for myself in the beginning and now some people are tryna run all over me. My low self esteem makes me feel like I'm too much for people so I try to be less. But that's not real and then when I slip up and "do me" then they get all shocked. I'm going through the painful rebuilding process of those relationships. I need to be consistently authentic.

2008:

I am in a great place right now.

I put a time limit on my current publishing venture. Either I'm doing VERY well with it by 2010 or it's a wrap!

I am planning for my next business. It's an idea I had before publishing but had to do this first. I am excited about it. So much so that I often can't even sleep! So either I'll have 2 businesses in 2010 or just one, either way it's ON!

I finally have the proper balance of work and home-life now that I put my office back in my house.

I am glad to be blogging after years of lurking. It's cheaper than therapy and it's the same damn thing. Talking out your problems in front of someone you vaguely know.

I am glad to be me. I love my life, it is the one I chose. A happily married homeschooling Muslim woman entrepreneur.

Admittance is the first step to recovery.

4 comments:

Bridgette Alyce said...

Ahhhh...there now! It didn't take you very long to distance yourself, I see. Don't it feel good?

Thank you for sharing; there are so many things we have in common, sista P. I'm learning to communicate much better on the interpersonal level, to the ones who matter (and love me) most.

African girl, American world said...

Hold up...what kind of therapist is that??? Can't seperate work from her life - MESS!

Brother OMi said...

hey at least you aren't throwing your life down a bottle.

no progress without struggle.

Heart Drops said...

wow...you're a survivor, lady. Remember that. I wish you all the very best with your business, and with your family.