Monday, September 24, 2007

The crying game

I cried on and off ALL DAY yesterday. I purposely stayed away from my husband and everyone except my baby girl who helped interrupt my moments of sadness.

After much thought and silence, I realized that I really blame others for my problems and that if I'm not careful, I'll let those who love me do the same.

I know that both my and hubby's family are sometimes critical of our/my lifestyle (a muslim, who home-schools and works with her husband from home). I often don't feel that I have TRUE support from them. Sometimes I need to talk about how difficult this life is without someone saying, "If your hubby had a job it'd be easier." Or when his family says, "Just leave, he can take care of baby girl."

Happy marriages are a lot of work. Being self-employed is a constant struggle. Working with your spouse is hectic. But I love it most times and don't wish for my husband to miss hours of baby girls day either.

Back to the crying...I just had a day that started with disappointment. But I know that disappointment is a result of unmet expectations and mine were unrealistic and out of my control. I was just flat out being a baby about it. But I realized that for a few hours I was blaming my husband and it took some quiet time to turn the finger inward. As I was quiet, I recalled a few times that I tried to talk about a perceived problem with my spouse with any of my family members. They not only sided with me but went a step further to take the opportunity to say something negative about my life or spouse. When I thought of this I began to cry because I felt lonely. I wanted someone to speak the truth to me and I realized that the only person who would was my husband and I was mad at him.

So I cried it out...and began to rethink my definition of needs and wants and then re-consider the way I communicate my needs.

If you want to know...I'm good now. Thanks for asking!

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