Learning to swim in deep water...

This week I had a reality check.  How can I put this...I have this "obligation". 

I have said for a while now that I can't fulfill this "obligation" without the help of my husband.  I mentioned my anxiety to my husband, that the person who I committed to called again this week asking about this "obligation".   He said, "So what...what's the problem?"  He told me to just blow it off.  But I knew it wouldn't go away that way.  I'd have to come to some mutual understanding with the person so we could both feel satisfied and one person not walk away losing.

But my husbands answer made me furious and it hurt that he wouldn't "handle" this with/for me. So I stormed off...but then I began thinking...

When I don't want to do something,  I look for an excuse not to.  I was making my husbands non-participation my excuse.  He doesn't have anything to do with my over commitment and procrastination.  And these are the cause of the stress I'm feeling regarding this "obligation". 

But where does my over commitment and procrastination come from?  In this case, it has come from me not putting myself at the top of my list.  I really have always put others needs, desires and whims ahead of what is in my own best interest.  And it has gotten me to a bad place.  A place I want to walk away from as it burns to the ground.

How do I turn this ship around though?  Little by little, I have to do a few things:

1. Get organized.  I should have a daily cleaning schedule, menu plan, work plan and lesson plan.
2.  I have to prioritize.
3.  Besides the 4 things I have in point #1, I have to work on only 2-3 things at a time, but only if time permits.  I may have time to do only one thing sometimes.
4.  I have to listen to myself and not be so quick to change my plans and not be so quick to ask the advice of others. 
5.  I especially have to not make peoples judgements or assesments of me into MY truth.  I define me and my assisgnments come from Allah.  I know His voice when I hear it and need to block out the rest!  Just because someone has spoken "a word" from God to me in the past, does not mean that they are forever his spokesman!
6.  I must stop "obligating" myself long-term for tasks I don't enjoy.  We all do somethings that are not enjoyable, but I can't make that my norm.

This is how I'll learn to swim in the deep water, on my own...

Reflections on my husband for his birthday

For my husband’s birthday, I had idea’s and plans…but no money. But I am lucky because my husband is one who prefers anything made by my hands over any restaurant or store bought anything.

I helped baby girl make him a card, made a great dinner and made his favorite dessert, chocolate cake and some strawberry-ish ice cream. Didn’t have strawberry money, but I had some strawberry extract, LOL.

Cooking from scratch has turned into a great passion of mine. As I try to resolve my weight issues once and for all, I realize that cooking for myself will be a big portion of the solution. Though cake and ice cream aren’t made for weight loss menu’s, it is good to control the amount of sugar and what ingredients are used. Also, there is just something loving about having people over to enjoy something you put your heart into and presenting a meal for your family each night that has your own unique spin on it.

Back to the birthday…

What is a strange coincidence is that my first husband's birthday was just one day before Hubby's. And all I can say is, "What a difference a day makes!"

As I grow, I see my husband differently. I am always in admiration of his intelligence and conviction. He’s not a punk about ANYTHING. He takes a stand for stuff that I may initially think to be “nothing”. But he sees the big picture all the time and can quickly tell how allowing just that one thing to slide is going to have a ripple effect that you won’t want to be on the end of. I appreciate him allowing me to be me, while challenging me to strive to do more and better than the day before.

Back to his birthday…

But I really see in him what I was missing; a partner who was as passionate about Black people as I was and still am. Someone who lives, breathes and will die thinking about how we can make our existence here in the wilderness of North America better. Each year as his wisdom and delivery become more refined, I sit and marvel. He is a gift to us all and I know he was especially made for me to love.

Once upon a time...

There was a 17 year old college freshman who was "saved, sanctified and filled with the holy ghost". She really went to college to find a husband. Since she didn't have a career goal, she wasn't sure of what to major in but had a band scholarship, so she chose Music Education.

In the music department there was a music library. It was actually used as a lounge and was a hangout for the choir members and music majors. There was a really handsome senior who locked and unlocked the doors each day. He was a business major but played the trumpet and was a member of the music fraternity.

The freshman and the senior hung out with the group of students that frequented the library. They all went bowling together, ate pizza together, typical college stuff. But the senior was much more serious and had deep feelings for the freshman who was just "dating."

So when senior gave freshman a solid gold dome ring for Christmas, he was showing commitment and she saw it as just a gift.

Freshman had been in the band and was tied up all of Fall quarter so she really didn't get a chance to socialize with the rest of the folks until football season was over. After Christmas break, freshman realized she was HOT! She was being asked out by football players, other freshmen and frat guys. She was totally ignoring senior and began to lose interest.

Senior tried to get her attention by starting an argument but it backfired and freshman didn't speak to him anymore. So for the next year and a half that he was on campus (double major) they rarely spoke but deep in his heart, Senior was hopeful.

Fast forward........

12 years after they met, the guy who hooked up freshman and senior committed suicide. The funeral was in the town that freshman was now living as a recently divorced single woman. The suicide made freshman realize that whatever problems she had with anyone were petty and she resolved to squash any feuds.

When senior didn't make it to the funeral (he was living 400 mi. away) freshman asked around until she found his address and wrote him a letter basically saying that she didn't remember what they argued about but she wasn't mad, heard he was Muslim and hoped he was at peace.

Shocked that she found him, he wrote to her back but couldn't wait for her response and called her. They began talking again and found that they had much in common and had the same goals of entrepreneurship and children and home schooling. He was already a Muslim and she had been studying Islam.

During their courtship he explained that he had never married because freshman was the only girl he ever imagined himself married to.

Fourteen years after they met and two years after they reconnected, Freshman and Senior married, started a business and a family.

To my husband....I hope this life of ours is better than you imagined! Love you more, Sister P

Farewell Falwell and "Dammit, my husband was right again!"

I don't say this often but I really admire my husbands insight and knowledge. There, I said it publicly.

My hubby (I'll think up a cute Blog name for him soon) is one of these, talk you to sleep types. He talks so much that often I find myself not listening or zoning in and out. But I have digressed, it must be contagious!

What made me consider how I value his insight was the death of Jerry Falwell.
As the news reporter waxed poetic about Falwell's life my husband put his middle finger up to the TV. I was SHOCKED! Not even reverence for the dead? Then I began to read about how much of a racist and separatist Falwell was.

Here's some of what George Curry said:
"When people die, even the racist ones, there is an inexplicable rush to trumpet the good in that person, even where none exists from a public policy perspective. The most recent example is Jerry Falwell, one of the godfathers of the religious right. Like many Southern white ministers, Falwell didn’t sit on the sidelines at the outset of the modern civil rights movement; he joined the opposition.

"Four years after the Supreme Court’s Brown v. Board of Education outlawing segregated public schools, Falwell gave a speech titled, “Segregation or Integration.”

"Jerry Falwell was not silent behind his stained-glass windows. He said, “The true Negro does not want integration, he realizes his potential is far better among his own race.”
Claiming that integration “will destroy our race eventually,” Falwell said, “A pastor friend of mine tells me that a couple of opposite race live next door to his church as man and wife.”
As late as 1964, Falwell was attacking the 1964 Civil Rights Act as ‘civil wrongs’ legislation. He questioned the sincerity and intentions of some civil rights leaders such as Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., It’s too bad that Falwell, who later claimed that he had changed his views, was on the wrong side of history."

What I'm acknowledging is the fact that I had to read it from someone else. I didn't ask my husband why he did that. But very often I find myself doing that. I think I need to check myself. I'm not sure if it's ego or what that makes me not want to hear what he has to say. Maybe he just talks too long...that's it... it's HIS fault! LOL (Well, I promised I'd keep it real or not do this blog thing.)

But what reminded me of this was how I was reading another blog and the sister was complaining about how many other bloggers were bashing Falwell. Now that I know about him and now that I've seen what bloggers she referenced, I can't believe she cares about Falwell at all! I'm glad my hubby opened my eyes to the facts before I was out here looking stupid, taking up for someone who didn't give a damn about me.